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Dear Son,

I'm afraid it's just as bad
as was reported -
that your Uncle Sven has been deported
for unspeakable crimes
with the neighbor's cat.

Also, you should know that
your fiance was found undressed
with your sister's boyfriend, Fred -
no one but the family knows.

I hope this letter finds you well.
Oh, I forgot to tell you
that your father has to sell
his gun collection
to make bail
for Uncle Tim,
whose chasing tail
will be the death of him.

And your sister, Alice,
has grown so thin.
We think it's all that heroin
they laced the Girl Scout cookies with
(it's just an urban myth
that they're a leftist group).

Your Auntie Kate has found a hobby -
collecting body parts in jars
(we hope they are not ours -
your brother has been missing
since last Wednesday.)

They had to have your cousin, Gwendolyn, committed.
She'd been appearing so dimwitted
lately at her job
and there was that messy little incident
involving her and the company president
(something about a prostitution ring in Mexico).

So, in closing let me say
that we miss you more each day
you are not with us.
Hopefully, that ruckus
about your tax evasion scheme
will at long last finally seem
just a mistake.

PS - Your prison roommate sounds so nice!
I think you said his name was Snake?
I hope you received the cookies that I baked
for you to give the prison guards.

Tell them they should not mind
if the cookies taste faintly
of Strychnine -
it's an old family recipe.

Much love,

Mom
For the DFC :iconkiwi-damnation:

The form is an epistle - a letter in poem form. Traditionally they do not rhyme.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconwithinmeloveresides1:
withinmeloveresides1 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Student Writer
How funny :XD:
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks very much. I appreciate that.
Reply
:iconperidot-magelette:
peridot-magelette Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012
The only appropriate comment here is LOL!
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Professional Writer
*Grins* Putting the fun in dysfunctional...
Reply
:iconredemptiarebourne:
RedemptiaRebourne Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013
Love it
Reply
:icondreaming-in-green:
Dreaming-in-Green Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012
Sadly, some of these scenarios describe my family.
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2012  Professional Writer
I think many of us can pick out family members in this. It is a spoof of those awful Xmas chain letters people send out.
Reply
:icondreaming-in-green:
Dreaming-in-Green Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2012
I definitely see that.
Reply
:iconmrwootton:
MrWootton Featured By Owner May 12, 2012  Professional Writer
This made me laugh, and I don't think the 1am reading is to blame =)
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Professional Writer
*Smiles* it's based on those dreadful Xmas chain letters family members send. Thanks.
Reply
:iconnerwennenharma:
NerwenNenharma Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2012
Holy mother! Jajajajajaja. Sounds like something that comes from the Simpsons.
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2012  Professional Writer
HAH! yeah!
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012   Writer
I thought I fav'd this long ago, but apparently not. At least it doesn't show that way now. :confused:
I think I even featured it. *sigh* Anyway, I know I enjoy it a lot. :+fav: Thank you.
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks very much - I appreciate it.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2012   Writer
:) :iconwelcomeplz:
Reply
:iconblackpearls91:
Blackpearls91 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2012  Student Digital Artist
I love it!!!!
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks very much. I appreciate it!
Reply
:iconjdebbiel:
jdebbiel Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2012  Student General Artist
I really like the composition :D It's so mellow but...cheerful?
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Feb 29, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks very much - I appreciate it!
Reply
:iconhalcyonshores:
halcyonshores Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It ceaselessly amazes me, what you can do with words;
so much more than what Spring does with them cherry trees... :nod: :)
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2012  Professional Writer
That is incredibly nice of you to say. This one was a great deal of fun to write. I am glad you like it.
Reply
:iconhalcyonshores:
halcyonshores Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's always but the truth and my purest pleasure. :heart:
Reply
:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012   Writer
Wow, I really enjoyed reading this. I don't read much epistles, especially ones that rhyme. I love the black humour behind it all. Very good.
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks, It was a lot of fun to write!
Reply
:iconeffortlessness:
effortlessness Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
Hahaha you sketched quite an image there ;) x
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2012  Professional Writer
Every family gets dysfunctional at some point!
Reply
:iconavfc4me:
avfc4me Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012
*giggle*. Reminds me of The New Christie Minstrels for some reason. This is very clever and kind'a fun to catch your lighter side. You don't let it out to play on the keys much.
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2012  Professional Writer
Yeah, I really need to try to do some more work that is humorous. I wanted to try something political...perhaps about the Republican Primary. Talk about a moving target!
Reply
:iconavfc4me:
avfc4me Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2012
I think, at this point, one could ONLY produce something funny when writing about the Republican party. I don't know how the news assemblers do it every morning without bursting into Anderson Cooper gigglefits...
Reply
:iconlunukin:
Lunukin Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is so funny and so depressing at the same time O.o Good job with writing that ^^
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks! I am very glad you like it!
Reply
:iconlunukin:
Lunukin Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome! :hug:
Reply
:iconthemagicianlord:
TheMagicianLord Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2012  Student Writer
Well, that does sound like an "ordinary" family! :-O
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012  Professional Writer
Especially during the holidays....
Reply
:iconafrican-artist:
african-artist Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
This is so funny! Hahaha, this is awesome!
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Professional Writer
I am very glad you enjoyed it - many thanks. Happy 2012!
Reply
:iconafrican-artist:
african-artist Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
You too!
Reply
:iconmegilar:
Megilar Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Geez, you made my day *smirk*

That’s a really good piece of art. Congratulation and keep on rockin’ this way. :+fav:

Alexis :coffeecup:
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Professional Writer
I am very glad you enjoyed it - many thanks. Happy 2012!
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
[: made me smile.
haha- sometimes i feel like my family is like this. lol- but they're not. [:

well done.
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Professional Writer
I think many families turn into this at the holidays! Many thanks.
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
mine aren't QUITE that bad. [; yet.
Reply
:iconriknard:
riknard Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012
Family get-togethers, if even possible, would be a hoot! We used to get Christmas cards from a former neighbor family that moved away, and their foibles of the past year were related, nowhere near as extreme as these, but it reminded me of that, and they always seemed to start out "Poor George..."
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Professional Writer
Yeah - the poem is based on some of those family letters I have received as well. Even worse are the ones bragging about where the sender went, etc. Happy 2012!
Reply
:iconhawshire:
Hawshire Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011
Haha! Talk about a monster mobster family, great job! I had a nice long laugh at this
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Professional Writer
The family from hell! Many thanks - and a very happy 2012.
Reply
:iconeligia:
Eligia Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2011
Oh god! thank god I dropped again to see this on your page :D
well, it's a good cheer up for the morning! :)
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Professional Writer
Thanks very much and Happy New Year!
Reply
:iconeligia:
Eligia Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011
Happy new Year to you too :)
Reply
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