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Submitted on
December 17, 2011
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Dear Son,

I'm afraid it's just as bad
as was reported -
that your Uncle Sven has been deported
for unspeakable crimes
with the neighbor's cat.

Also, you should know that
your fiance was found undressed
with your sister's boyfriend, Fred -
no one but the family knows.

I hope this letter finds you well.
Oh, I forgot to tell you
that your father has to sell
his gun collection
to make bail
for Uncle Tim,
whose chasing tail
will be the death of him.

And your sister, Alice,
has grown so thin.
We think it's all that heroin
they laced the Girl Scout cookies with
(it's just an urban myth
that they're a leftist group).

Your Auntie Kate has found a hobby -
collecting body parts in jars
(we hope they are not ours -
your brother has been missing
since last Wednesday.)

They had to have your cousin, Gwendolyn, committed.
She'd been appearing so dimwitted
lately at her job
and there was that messy little incident
involving her and the company president
(something about a prostitution ring in Mexico).

So, in closing let me say
that we miss you more each day
you are not with us.
Hopefully, that ruckus
about your tax evasion scheme
will at long last finally seem
just a mistake.

PS - Your prison roommate sounds so nice!
I think you said his name was Snake?
I hope you received the cookies that I baked
for you to give the prison guards.

Tell them they should not mind
if the cookies taste faintly
of Strychnine -
it's an old family recipe.

Much love,

For the DFC :iconkiwi-damnation:

The form is an epistle - a letter in poem form. Traditionally they do not rhyme.
Add a Comment:
withinmeloveresides1 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Student Writer
How funny :XD:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks very much. I appreciate that.
peridot-magelette Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012
The only appropriate comment here is LOL!
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Professional Writer
*Grins* Putting the fun in dysfunctional...
RedemptiaRebourne Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013
Love it
Dreaming-in-Green Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012
Sadly, some of these scenarios describe my family.
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2012  Professional Writer
I think many of us can pick out family members in this. It is a spoof of those awful Xmas chain letters people send out.
Dreaming-in-Green Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2012
I definitely see that.
MrWootton Featured By Owner May 12, 2012  Professional Writer
This made me laugh, and I don't think the 1am reading is to blame =)
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